Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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