She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
