No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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