Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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