Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
