Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
