there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
