Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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