she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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