I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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