I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
