not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
