did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
