I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
