He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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