His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
