It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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