my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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