With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
