just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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