so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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