Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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