Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Randomize
