The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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