Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
