After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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