It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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