wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
