I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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