wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
