before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
