Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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