I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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