My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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