I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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