Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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