I wannas sexs uuuuu
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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