my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
