So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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