he thought i was a dude.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
