Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
