I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
