Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
