This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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