My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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