four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Farmville is her only friend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
