can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
