Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
