Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My life is pants optional.
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