Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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