They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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