I'm gonna have a badass scar
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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