Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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